And... I'm back

Hubby and son in sea, daughter watching...


Had a lovely holiday, thanks everyone.
I would recommend Lanzarote in the winter ~ warm but not suffocately hot. Kids loved the holiday village that we stayed in, catered for children very well.

Last Thursday was hard, made harder by the fact that I didn't want to ruin the children's holiday by being miserable all day. I found out during this holiday just how aware and sensitive my 9 year old daughter is. Awesome child. On the 12th she threw a wobbly because her daddy wouldn't let her buy a butterfly necklace that she had seen. (hubby wouldn't let her because we were in Lanzarote and the necklace was made in UK ~ seemed a little silly) So anyway, we eventually found her a butterfly necklace (yes, had to be a butterfly) that was made in Lanzarote. Later in the evening I asked her if she knew what the day was and she said "yes, it's the day that Logan would have been born". *cue teary eyes* "And that's why I wanted that necklace so much" *cue really teary eyes*. (To explain ~ butterflies are my symbol of Logan ~ that's what my tattoo is about.) She picked up on that, knew the date and was sensitive enough to want some connection to me and to Logan. Awesome daughter also spent the holiday shielding me from babies. Everytime we saw a little baby (the place was bloody swarming with the adorable little buggers), she would gentle lean on me or hug me, distract me. For a 9 year old she was so aware and sensitive.

Went to the counsellor again today. I did try during the holiday to "not sweat the small stuff" but I couldn't manage the "let your feelings out" bit. I ended up doing that today. The room that the counsellor used today was the room where I was told that the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew I would have to go in there eventually but was not prepared for it today. Cried loads this morning and have been close to tears all day ~ don't want to feel like this but at least now I know that it's okay to feel like this. The counsellor is picking up on how much I try and be perfect and how I try to control everything. She noticed the pendant I was wearing ~ made by me ~ (see pic below) and she said, wow, it's so perfect, symetrical, lovely BUT can you make one that isn't? I said I wasn't sure, all my designs are normally quite symmetrical and I try really hard to get everything balanced and accurate. So my challenge this week from my counsellor... to create a non-symetrical, impulsive, messy design and take it to show her when I go back in two weeks.

Right then, I'm off...

I'm going on holiday on Sunday. I won't be in this country for what should have been my baby's day of birth. I think I made the right decision, I hope I made the right decision. It's going to be a hard day, wherever we are, so I'm going to spend it in the sun.
Think of me on Thursday the 12th, when I will be thinking of a little angel who should have been with us.

I've been to the counsellor twice now. Yeah, not bad actually. She's helping me see how much much pressure I put on myself. I'm constantly saying "I should be doing... I should be feeling..." and she said I must think the next time I say that "why?" Why should I feel a certain way, why should I be acting in a certain way? What I'm feeling is real, so allow myself to feel that way. I said I was so scared of going back to that very dark place that I found myself in a few months ago. And she said "why?" and I was like, well it was horrible and I cried all the time. And she said, "do you feel like that now" and I admitted that no, I feel a bit better, I managed to get myself out of the dark place. And so she said "so if you end up back there, you can get yourself out?" Erm, yes I guess... "so what would be so bad about letting yourself feel again, knowing that if you do start to feel low, you can get yourself back out?" Mmmmm, interesting thought. I can sit and cry, it will be okay, I don't have to block all the sadness because I can get myself back.

I've put all my shops in holiday mode and put all my email addresses in out-of-office mode and I'm going offline tonight.
I will be back "online" on the 18th. Hopefully with a slightly more positive attitude and a well-rested mind/body/soul.

Bye everyone, have a fab weekend/week.

xxx

I wish you...

Saw this on another blog and it touched a nerve... particularly one paragraph...

I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby.The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition

I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you

I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand

I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care

I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently

I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasnt't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real person - and he was alive

I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this

I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying

I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are

My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me
I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again

xxx

Spiders...

Not particularly keen on the little eight-legged bugs but I did get creative and make a few beaded ones...









Sold the green spider to the hostess of the jewellery party that I did last night ~ went very well.
I sold a good amount and made a bit of money towards our holiday spending money. I ended up taking all my stock and put most of it on the table. I wasn't sure if I was overwhelming the buyer and I definitely won't put that much out at a fayre, but it seemed to work because the ladies were able to hang around and come back and forth to the display table.
Nice confidence boost for me too.

xxx

I finally made something...

Was beginning to think my crafting mojo had taken a major vacation but I managed to make something yesterday.
I spent the money that was in my paypal account (earned from a few sales) and I bought some beads from a fellow Misi crafter who was having a destash. The new beads inspired me a bit and I made this...


I also sat and made a few other things but was particularly pleased with this.
I'm doing a jewellery party this weekend at a friend's house. My first so I hope it goes well.
I'm going to take this necklace with me and if it doesn't sell then I'll list it in my Misi shop on Monday.

xxx

Now, where was I...?

... oh yes, I was picking up the pieces of my life...
Apologies for my complete disappearance for the last month. I fell apart, yep, finally lost it all. I really didn't know what to do with myself / how to feel / how to act for a while there, but I think I've found myself again. Not completely... not sure I'll ever be "normal" again, new kind of normal, I think.
So what have I done these past four weeks, besides see the GP a few times, my ex-midwife (in an attempt to understand) and a counsellor (yes, they found a gap for me after three and a half weeks instead of ten, very good)... and I went on a workshop, a therapy workshop, a "self-help" workshop. Oh dear, what have I become? No, actually it was good. One of my clients, as I may have previously mentioned, is a therapist and she wanted me to attend one of her workshops to get a better understanding of what she does so that I may assist her better. It came as the right time, I needed some time in a completely different environment to ground myself and learn where I want to be. I stayed in a 400 year old cottage and met some lovely, sincere people, I did all the self-examination exercises and breathing exercises.
I came back home, after nearly 4 days away from my family and I was able to talk to hubby about a lot of things that we've never really covered... about his childhood and mine, about how we both felt about the loss of our baby (besides the obvious devastation that I felt) and about where we want to go from here. Nope, still haven't brought up the "can we have another one?" question, not sure if that is something I want to ask yet. But I did manage to ask another question that was at the back of my mind... how did he really feel about our loss? I finally felt strong enough to listen and hear that he was sad, sad for me more than anything. I realised that I was so connected to this little baby but hubby had not really got to that point yet when we lost him. So he felt sad and worried about me but was not grieving the way I was.

I read somewhere this morning that tomorrow is Babyloss awareness day. Nope, not quite ready to handle that day. Sorry folks, tomorrow I will be... burying my head in the sand and pretending nothing is wrong. Maybe next year I can help make people more aware of the loss and pain that we Babyloss Mummies feel, but not now, it's still too new, too raw, too painful.

I'm finally able to start counting down to the holiday, yes, I'm still counting those weeks until we should have had a newborn baby in our arms but I can feel a bit of excitement towards the holiday now too.


xxx

The flaw in women...

As you probably have realised by now I'm not exactly religious, however I received this email today and it touched me. Not religiously but spiritually.
Women are strong ~ stronger than we realise!

The One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day..
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick AND, can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one..'

'That's not a leak,' the Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!'
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord, you thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left ...
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends..
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.


xxxx